|
Anger. What is it?
Anger is a God-given emotion that gives us energy to protect someone
else or ourselves, or to take action against an
injustice. Anger itself is not wrong. What we do
with anger or in anger can be very wrong.
Anger can very often signal that something is wrong
with us with our relationship, in our psychological
life, emotional life, or thought life, etc. Anger
is a secondary emotion. Underneath anger, there is
usually a variety of other feelings and accompanying
thoughts. Among the precursors to anger are the
following: fear, frustration, pain, disappointment,
shame, guilt, embarrassment, grief, depression,
loneliness, fatigue, anxiety, and confusion.
Although that’s not an exhaustive list, there are
usually several of those present in any single
episode of anger or in the case of any individual’s
anger.
Anger expressed forcefully is rage. Anger turned inward becomes
depression. Anger held onto becomes resentment, and
– if held onto for a long period of time – becomes
bitterness.
If you are reading this article, it’s very likely you know somebody who
struggles with an inappropriate response to anger
and/or you struggle yourself with an inappropriate
response to anger. The chances are good that both
are true.
Very often, people will convert other feelings such as fear, or
worthlessness, or guilt to anger because anger feels
more powerful. A lot of times in working with
children we’ll say, “It’s easier to be mad than
sad.” Anger can often be adaptive in an environment
that is itself angry. Sometimes the only way to
feel powerful in an angry environment is to become
angry themselves. People learn very early on that
if our boundaries are being crossed or we’re being
hurt, one way to get people to stop, is to become
angry. So, if other emotions are viewed as being
weak or making a person vulnerable, it becomes
reinforced and ultimately, a conditioned response
that when any emotion is present that is experienced
as anger.
In other environments (e.g., home, work, school, etc.), anger may be
viewed as unacceptable. The message may be conveyed
either implicitly or explicitly that to be angry is
to be a bad person. To be angry is to be identified
with an abuser or an abusive situation. So, people
convert that anger back to depression or they stuff
it inside, and it becomes expressed in other ways.
Anger is not only expressed outwardly and overtly,
in terms of what is generally considered to be
stereotypic angry behavior, but it also can be
covert in the form of passive aggressive behavior.
It can be manifest in ways such as sarcasm, or
malicious gossip, or subtle manipulations, setting
someone up to fail, or taking secret delight in
another person’s embarrassment. These, too, are
forms of expressed anger. Anger may manifest itself
as criticism, harshness, or insensitivity. It can,
if internalized, also create somatic or body issues
for the individual who’s unable to express it
appropriately. They may have restless sleep or even
insomnia, they may overeat or stop eating, have GI
and digestive complaints, autoimmune disorders,
including arthritis, lupus, fibromyalgia, etc.
Anger may cause us to be verbally combative, or jump too easily into
conflict, or it can cause us to take a victim role
and too quickly feel as if we’ve been wronged by
others. We may mentally rehearse wrongs or
perceived wrongs over and over in our head, reliving
past woundedness or slights. We may withdraw or
shut down or give someone the silent treatment. We
may become easily irritated with others and their
shortcomings. In order for us to manage our anger
and ultimately deal with it, we need to first
acknowledge that we have anger, even if it seems
contrary to the image that we have or ourselves or
that we would like to portray.
Some therapeutic questions with regard to anger:
-
Is it appropriate?
-
Is it proportionate?
-
How can I deal with it in an appropriate way?
-
How do I respond to other people's anger?
At Agape, we take a multi-factoral approach to anger, looking at the
feelings that underlie anger, which themselves need
to be addressed.
We should then ask ourselves where are those feelings coming from, and
if there are any faulty premises on which those
feelings are based. For example, shame,
guilt, and embarrassment
will often cause us to produce anger.
If we look closely what we’ll see is that often both
pride and insecurity
that are at the root of them. We may seek to
portray a certain image in order for other people to
validate and affirm us, but deep down, we may
question whether or not it’s true, and even doubt
our self-worth. When that image or self-concept is
threatened, our pride becomes threatened and
therefore we go to that place of shame, guilt, and
embarrassment. The way that we defend against it,
is that we convert it to anger.
Depression may not only be a product of anger, but depression may itself
produce anger. It then becomes part of a
destructive cycle. Depression may be exogenous,
which means, externally-based, or it could be
endogenous, meaning that it is a product of our
biology and/or our thought life. Usually, it’s a
mix of both –both the external and the internal.
This too can be worked through in a counseling
setting and would necessarily need to be addressed
if anger seems to be persistent, and depression is
seen to be among the causal factors.
Fear is another one. Fear can take many forms. It could
be produced by being afraid for one’s physical
safety, but more often, it could be the fear of
rejection, the fear of abandonment, the fear of the
loss of status or of self-esteem. It could be the
fear of being hurt or being shamed, etc. When one
is fearful, anger is evoked. That anger then makes
us feel like we have the energy to act to protect
ourselves, but our response may be defensive, and in
many circumstances, disproportionate to the event.
The more often that someone becomes angry, the more
it becomes conditioned or engrained in their
personality, and the more difficult it is to change
that behavior. While at one time anger might have
been adaptive, it is very likely that a person who
experiences frequent and explosive anger, or the
person who holds onto and stuffs their anger is
finding that their coping strategies are no longer
effective.
In order to adequately and completely treat the anger, we must look at
the whole person. We look at the
neuropsychobiological components, i.e. the
neurotransmitters. Is there a chemical imbalance?
Is there organic depression or bipolar present? Is
there ADD, or any other type of organic etiology for
the anger? We also look at the biophysical. That
would be the other physical elements that may
contribute to our emotional state, such as: low
blood sugar, chronic physical pain, a thyroid
imbalance, hormonal imbalance, lack of exercise,
poor sleep habits, malnutrition, exhaustion, etc.
All of those things can have a profound effect on
our emotions and especially shorten our fuse when it
comes to anger. We would also look at our
cognitive: what are our beliefs about
ourselves and the world? Are our expectations of
other people’s behavior realistic? Are our
expectations of ourselves realistic? How do we
perceive that others view and treat us?
Necessarily, one would examine behaviors.
What things am I doing that may contribute to my
frustration or my exhaustion? Or am I putting
myself in circumstances that I know will
trigger an anger response? Am I harboring anger,
and are my actions feeding into a cycle of social
disconnection or conflict? Family of origin
and personal history also necessarily
must be examined to see what behaviors were modeled
for us, what behaviors were learned and acquired as
adaptive, often looking at the history of the
messages that we have internalized or the pain that
we carry.
We believe that the spiritual life is vitally important,
and how we view God and how we view ourselves in
relation to God necessarily factors into how we view
situations and how we respond to them. The holistic
therapist would also work with the client to examine
their close relationships and how
anger factors in, both as a product …how the
relationship is affected by anger, and how elements
in the relationship may serve to trigger/produce a
cycle of anger. Other elements to be examined are
the social: What is the individual’s
social context? Are they connected? Are they
isolated? How do people respond to the individual,
and how does the individual perceive their social
support system? These are merely a sampling of
things that necessarily need to be addressed in
order to deal with anger as it is experienced by the
individual. I tend to view our emotions as a giant
cauldron, and if over time we accrete woundedness
and frustrations, guilt, shame, disappointment,
inadequacy, confusion, etc., all of that stuff, if
it’s not dealt with, remains in that vat or
reservoir, and over time if there’s no means of
releasing it or working through it, we store it up,
which leaves very little room then for when there is
a new embarrassment or frustration or emotional
wound. In those circumstances, because so many
other emotions are present, our threshold of
tolerances because quite limited and our reservoir
bubbles over with anger. The goal of therapy then
should be to not only view the anger as anger and
learn how to intercept those underlying feelings
that would produce the anger, but also look at what
things have been stored in the cauldron and find a
way of working through and resolving those so that
there is a greater emotional reserve to cope with
the many things that life tends to throw our way.
When we examine and address the factors that contribute the anger and
the feelings that underlie anger, we will then be
better equipped to deal with appropriate anger in a
proportionate and responsive way. When, in those
circumstances, we encounter a situation in which
anger might be triggered, we first look and ask, are
we angry on behalf of someone else, or are we angry
on behalf of ourselves? Is there an appropriate
action to take? Healthy anger can identify a real
injustice. Healthy anger can pray rather than
plot. Healthy anger will identify a behavior or
condition rather than point an accusing or attacking
finger at a person. Healthy anger motivates us to
assist those who are mistreated. It seeks to
instruct rather than destroy the offender. This
type of anger has the potential to be unselfish and
does not act rashly or merely seek retribution or
vengeance. When directed properly, healthy anger
motivates the individual to find a solution for a
very real problem rather than hold onto the anger
that’s produced and allow it to fester.
With the assistance of a trained professional, an individual can seek
healing for the underlying unresolved emotions,
correct and modify maladaptive behaviors and
responses, examine unhealthy relationship patterns
and dynamics, and learn to express appropriate anger
in a healthy way.
|
