|
Yale University psychologist
Robert Sternberg did some pioneering work that
attempted to answer the question, "What is love?"
He came up with a "Triangular Theory of Love," which
says that there are three elements to love: passion,
intimacy, and commitment. One might say that
they represent the physical, the emotional, and the
cognitive aspects of the relationship between
husband and wife.
While one may think that that
the ideal case is an equilateral triangle where the
three sides of the triangle are equal (i.e., in
terms of strength or depth), I tend to think that
the best case is one where commitment is given the
most weight. One does not have to be a
biblical scholar to know how much emphasis the Bible
puts on faithfulness and commitment. God
himself has committed to be faithful to his people
and he asks us to be faithful and committed in our
marriages. The reason God teaches, commands,
and demonstrates commitment is that it is the
foundation to any lasting relationship.
But what about intimacy?
What is God's will for intimacy in a marriage when
we do not see this aspect emphasized as directly as
commitment? I believe that when you know that
your spouse is committed to your marriage for life,
regardless of circumstances, you recognize it is
safe to be vulnerable and open. This naturally
leads to true intimacy, and true intimacy to genuine
passion. So persevering in our decision and
respecting our spouse's determination creates a
safe marriage, which is the crucial first step
towards deeper intimacy and healthy passion.
What happens in many marriages
is that the couple has experienced some level of
intimacy and thinks that things are (or should be)
running smoothly. With this frame of mind,
they stop paying attention and cease to nurture the
relationship. By the time they sense that
things are really wrong, they have been drifting
apart for a long time. So much negativity
has built up over time that they do not even know
where to begin addressing their problems.
They have fallen into a pattern and have become
stuck in their cycle of negative interactions.
in such situations, it's very hard for couples to
talk openly and honestly discuss the issues without
outside help. They need to learn (or re-learn)
how to communicate and resolve issues.
While couples are
learning to improve their communication and conflict
resolution skills, I believe it's essential that
they learn (or re-learn) how to have fun.
According to a survey by a well-known marriage
research group at the University of Denver, it's
between the 6th and 19th year of marriages when
people have the least fun. This is true
whether they have children or not. The
research also found that men and women may have very
different interpretations as to what a date or what
fun is. When counseling couples, I often ask
them to go home and separately come up with a list
of fun activities, taking into consideration the
time and expense required, if any. In
marriage, intimacy and fun are almost equivalent.
Fun activities allow the couple to express intimacy,
and greater closeness leads to more fun.
There are roadblocks to
having fun other than being too busy. These
can be a lack of trust, current or past hurts, lack
of self confidence, or other reasons. But must
couples wait for all of these to be corrected and
healed before having fun? My belief is that
fun can be an important part of the solution to a
couple's issues, and the process of having fun can
be a part of the healing process. Even when a
couple is working on some hard issues, simply having
a cup of coffee and talking about non-essentials can
do more good than being isolated and stewing over
negative memories. I think it is much better
to become aware and monitor the barriers while
having fun, and to talk about the barriers either by
the couple themselves or later with a therapist.
Each married person brings
their own personality, desires, strengths,
weaknesses, and past baggage into the marriage.
Conflicts and disappointments can be used as reasons
to criticize, blame, or escape, or they can be taken
as opportunities to grow. The one single thing
that will determine the trajectory of your marriage
and help your spouse to know it's safe to connect
with you is your total commitment. In a safe,
committed relationship, conflicts become
opportunities, intimacy will deepen, passion and fun
will grow.
|
| Biography: Tai Yong is a Licensed Professional Counselor in the State of Missouri.
He graduated from Covenant Theological
Seminary with a Masters in Counseling, and
is a National Certified Counselor. He is a
certified PREP instructor (Prevention and
Relationship Enhancement Program) and Family
Wellness instructor (Survival Skills for
Families).
Through individual, couple, and family
therapies, Tai has helped people with
marriage, parenting, and other relationship
issues. He
has a passion for helping people achieve
real, positive, and sustained change. Tai's
own life experiences allow him to approach
his clients' challenges honestly and
compassionately, walking with them to find
healing in their pains and break free from
unhealthy or destructive patterns.
|
