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In order to discuss sexual addiction we must first define our terms. We
can reasonably define an addiction as obsessive or
intrusive thoughts or cravings, which produce a
compulsion to act in a way that is unwanted,
undesirable, or harmful either to the individual or
others. In terms of sexual addiction, I think we
can reasonably cast that net broadly enough to
include any unwanted, damaging, or maladaptive
sexual behaviors that the individual experiences
themselves as being powerless to control. Karnes
(1983) defined sexual addiction as pathological
relationship with a mood altering experience. There
again in most respects, I think that could apply to
almost any type of addiction.
At Agape, we tend to view an individual holistically. We see them as
not merely the product of their environment or
learning, but an interaction of the biological, the
psychological, the emotional, the spiritual, the
social, the relational, etc. It is supportable to
say that there is a biological basis for addictive
behaviors; but that doesn’t excuse them, nor is it
even sufficient to explain them. Some could say
that it’s the product of faulty thinking, or past
experiences. Again this would be true, but that, in
itself, may not be sufficient to produce the acting
out behavior. Similarly, to say that sexual
addiction is sin would certainly be correct, but it
may not be useful to merely say, “So therefore, stop
sinning” or “Just pray more,” because that, in
isolation, may feed into the individual’s sense of
being misunderstood or their guilt-shame cycle that
actually promotes and produces more maladaptive
behaviors. We believe that human experience (e.g.,
thoughts, feelings, and behaviors) are
multi-factoral. We get the best results by breaking
down these thoughts, feelings, behaviors into their
component parts, and addressing each factor
individually. By doing that we can then formulate a
comprehensive and effective approach to treatment
and intervention.
In terms of working with someone who is in bondage to sexual addiction,
we believe it’s necessary to look at the
historical, e.g., early exposure to
pornography or other sexually explicit material,
early childhood sexual experiences, sexualization in
the home, molestation, etc. as one component which
necessarily must be addressed. This is not used to
justify or rationalize, but it is to help to
understand what things are factoring in to the
individual’s choice of behavior, how they see
themselves, and how they see the world.
We also look at the cognitive, those things that they tell
themselves, their beliefs, and whether or not their
beliefs about themselves and their world are
accurate, and how those beliefs shape their behavior
and their perceptions of self-efficacy.
We look at the behaviors that contribute to the cycle of
acting out. That may include isolating, or getting
on the computer when there’s no accountability, or
engaging in conversations that begin the process of
obsessive, intrusive thoughts. This would even
include the cycle itself of acting out, feeling
remorse, the remorse turning to guilt, the guilt
turning to shame, the shame turning the
hopelessness, and then the hopelessness causing that
person to once again act out.
We also look at the physiological. We find that many
people who have ADD, for example, tend to medicate
by seeking out highly stimulating behaviors. Since
sexually acting out, whether it’s viewing
pornography or engaging in high-risk behaviors, etc.
is by its nature highly stimulating, it can actually
have a soothing effect or create a sense of well
being. We know that people who are Bipolar, when
they are manic, will often seek out, either
compulsively or impulsively, highly stimulating
behaviors, also. Again, if there is an underlying
issue of mood swings, then that necessarily needs to
be addressed as part of the comprehensive approach
to dealing with the bondage to sexual addiction.
Often when people are depressed, they will seek to
medicate or distract themselves through the use of
pornography. On some level, there is then a
biological component or basis when somebody views
pornography; it stimulates dopamine in the pleasure
center areas of the brain. When viewed on a brain
scan, it looks very much like a cocaine high or a
similar euphoric experience. Once this pattern is
engrained in the addict’s brain, it is difficult to
change. Landau, J. et. al. (2008, pg. 4) states,
“The neurobiology of sexual arousal parallels that
of cocaine in its relationship to dopamine, the
brain’s pleasure chemical. Furthermore, the article
states that where this is significant reward, as in
sex, gambling, eating, shopping, etc. – there is the
potential for compulsion.”
Other factors could be environmental. When bills stack
up, marriages grow cold, jobs get stressful, and/or
the sting of singleness gets too hard to bear, an
escape may seem necessary. Some may use drugs,
others may use food, while still others may use
gambling. Sex addicts use sex to either escape from
too many external stimuli or to bring their internal
emotions or passion to a life that either in their
experience has too much or too little stimuli.
As alluded to previously, another component to be addressed is the
relational. Sex addicts often use sex to
distance themselves from true intimacy which may
seem threatening, or to create a false sense of
intimacy in which there is a feeling of bonding
without the same risk of being rejected or feeling
emotionally vulnerable. Many view sexual addiction
as an intimacy disorder (Schwartz and Masters,
1994). In this view, the concern with the addiction
has more to do with intimacy than with sex.
Hypersexuality is seen as a symptomatic problem
resulting from the lack of intimacy in one’s life.
Simply put, individuals will often turn to
pornography, strip clubs, prostitution, fantasy,
compulsory masturbation and other sexual acts to
provide a sense of intimacy, even though it’s
counterfeit. The reason, the article presumes, that
people settle for a false sense of intimacy, is that
true intimacy either seems dangerous or elicit.
People often sexualize when they lack control in
their primary relationships. The sexualizing gives
them opportunity to feel as if they are in control.
Another component is the spiritual, which, for some, may
seem obvious or self-evident, but upon examination,
it can be quite complicated as to how it plays out.
Some may compartmentalize their behavior, and
believe that they have a good and strong
relationship with God and a well developed spiritual
life, and yet their acting out behaviors may stand
in stark contrast to that belief. Others may feel a
sense of guilt or worthlessness because of their
behaviors, which factors into that aforementioned
cycle, of guilt which leads to shame, and that
shame, instead of leading them to seek grace from
the only One who can grant grace and forgiveness,
they instead run out of fear, embarrassment, or
hopelessness.
For anyone who believes themselves to be sexually addicted, the answer
will not just be yes to one component, but to
several if not all components. The goal of therapy
is to intervene at each point in order to achieve
the best possible outcome. It’s hard to have a good
and healthy spiritual life, if your belief system is
faulty. It’s hard to foster good relationships, if
your sense of self if flawed or if the behaviors
that one engages in sabotages and damages those
relationships. Although not excusing the behavior,
it is helpful to view even bad and self-damaging
behavior as a maladaptive attempt to meet a very
real need. That doesn’t diminish that those
behaviors may be objectively wrong, but it does give
not only context for that behavior, but hope for how
that behavior might be changed by finding adaptive
ways to meet them. For instance, relationally, by
finding and developing a healthy emotional intimacy,
first with God and then with a spouse, those
intimacy needs can be met in a healthy way, and much
of the drive and energy for the damaging behaviors
can be reduced.
The nature of the addictive personality is to try to minimize, deny, or
hide their struggle or not to admit that they are not in
control. Addiction is bondage. In order to
be truly free, one must be truly honest about their
inability to manage on their own, and humbly enlist
the help of God and others.
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| Biography: Tyler Sparks received an MA in Counseling
Psychology from Trinity Evangelical Divinity
School in Chicago, Illinois. He is a Provisional
Licensed Professional Counselor in Missouri and
a board eligible National Certified Counselor.
Tyler is also a professional member of the
Christian Association for Psychological Studies.
Tyler's interests include men's issues,
including but not limited to understanding
the role of manhood, sex and love addiction,
rites of passage and healthy interactions
with both men and women. He also works with
those who are struggling with anxiety,
issues surrounding "chronic care-taking,"
and relational and marital difficulties.
Tyler works in one-on-one settings as well
as with couples and group therapy. Tyler has
led groups pertaining to anger, dating and
marital relationships, and sexual addiction.
Tyler also has a passion for the integration
of psychology and theology.
Darrell Provinse earned his degrees from
Washington University and Webster University in
St. Louis. He
is a Licensed Professional Counselor in Missouri
and a National Certified Counselor. He is
a member of the American Psychological
Association, American Counseling Association,
Association for Specialists in Group Work, and
the International Association of Marriage and
Family Counselors. He is also the
Executive Director and CEO of Agape Christian
Counseling Services.
As a therapist, Darrell is certified in
Gestalt Therapy as well as Cognitive Behavioral
Therapy and extensively trained in family
systems. He works with individuals,
couples, families, and groups of various ages.
His clinical interests include phobias, anxiety
disorders, personality disorders, sexual
dysfunction, grief and crisis, spiritual and
existential issues and assisting
parents of children with special needs.
Darrell has led groups in anger management,
social skills, conflict resolution, boundaries,
sexual addictions, women's issues, men's issues,
and abuse recovery, as well
as a parent support group.
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